Fun Shit For Retarded Animals

Things to say to a missionary

You hate them, I despise them. I really fucking hate them. How dare they come to my house and offer me a different way of living. So I've taken the liberty of compiling a list of insults to get them away as quickly as their god whoring asses can carry them.

1. Thank God Jesus is dead!

2. Mary was only a virgin if you don't count anal.

3.  God called, he said to get the fuck away from my house before he blesses my hands with a shotgun.

4.(If you're Jewish, point to Mezuzah on doorpost) What part of the "Chosen People" don't you understand?

5.(Once again, if you're Jewish) Hey buddy, can you worship me too? I've got the hair and the drugs just like the real thing.

6. Don't you have some Muslims to burn?

7.So you're Catholic eh? Well here is my son, it'll be $50 an hour.

I love Japanese porn

The Japanese are fucking psychos. They always have that stuff where the dude is shitting in the girls mouth.

THATS AWESOME! I'm jealous. My entire life I had always wanted somebody to defecate in my mouth. Now of course I wouldn't eat it raw. Maybe I'd place it in a hot dog bun. Lay some cheese down on it. I wouldn't even need to worry about melting it. The luke warm feces does that all for you! And to top it all off, crabs. Find the nastiest person on the street and ask then to scratch themselves on your meal.

Or it could be a frozen treat. Something for the kids. Break out the sprinkles and whipped cream and let the little fuckers go wild. And if they question the taste, tell them its the only way Jesus can protect them from the black people. They fall for that crap everytime.

Catch of the day

The whale, the gentle giant of the sea. The elegance, the beauty, the-

HOLY SHIT!

Look at the size of that thing! Not only does it make my mom look small, IT'S HALF THE SIZE OF THE FUCKING WHALE!

Imagine bringing that home to the kids:

Dad: Tommy, Rachael, I have a surprise for you.

Kids: Yay a Playstation 3!

Dad: Close but no cigar.

Kids: What is it daddy?

*gently lowering it onto the kitchen table*

THUD!

Dad: Whale cock. Biggest catch of the day. Had to use a chainsaw and a chisel to get the damn thing off.

Tommy: Daddy, theres icky stuff coming out from its mouth!

Dad: Haha. Don't mind the puss Tommy. I killed it while it was fucking your mom!

Rachael: Daddy, its dripping all over the cat!

Tommy: Look Rachael! I can fit my whole arm down its mouth!

Dad: Thats the spirit Tommy!

Rachael: Where can we put it dad?

Dad: We can hang it from the ceiling near the entrance! So when guests come in, they'll get a warm, sloppy "hello" right in the face.

Kids: You're so smart daddy!

Dad: Thanks kids, now drop trou and I'll give you a real station to play with.

My Rant

I love it how some people think I'm doing this to get laughs. My mom (who is to not be named) thinks I am unfunny and deviant. I didn't start this to be funny.  I do this because I can. I want to scare the shit out of people by abusing my First Amendment rights as much as possible. I have a wild and vast imagination and I intend to use it. Plus my mom wouldn't know what funny is if it slapped her across the face. NO SENSE OF HUMOR AT ALL.  Now you'll have to excuse me while I go lick the urine off my nipples.

Kids Show

It's about time I've done something with my life. So I've taken the liberty to make my own kids show. Kids shows today teach about safety and good health habits. But they left out one key moral that is MANDATORY if children today are ever going to succeed in society.

That my friends, is animal sodomy. I can see it now, the show will open up with 10 children sitting around a live goat lightly carressing its nipples and licking its genitals. That will go on for about an hour before the actual show starts. Next, we have the main character of the show come out. I call him the Sodimonster.

He first teachs a lesson or new technique to try with your pet. Then his assistant (Holey, the giant puppet asshole) comes out of the center stage frolicking about (leaking what appears to be poo out of the center of the costume) handing out toy poodles to all the children to fulfill their dirty needs.

The next part of the show involves a series of minigames that the children play with the poodles such as penis tug-o-war and beat the shit out of the goat with a shovel.

Then it all ends in a massive blood orgy where everyone sings the backwards, satanic version of Amazing Grace. Then the Sodimonster, with its massive puppet cock, gives it to Holey really hard. And everyone dies!

THE END.

Retards on punk rock intercourse

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Just when I thought funny couldn't get any lower, I found perhaps the most twisted thing ever recorded. EVER. And just to piss you off, I laughed through the whole damn thing.

EXTRA EXTRA!

I am sorry to inform the public that earlier this evening, a dog named Pippin was diagnosed with plastic tits. Surgeons and dog owners alike have become outraged and are now rallying outside of City Hall as we speak.

Studies have shown that dogs with plastic tits may increase 50% by 2008 and soon may have an  influence on the cats. When I got to speak with Pippin he had this to say, "Arf". He then proceeded to hump my leg.

The locals don't know how to explain this to their children. "I'm just going to tell them God accidently placed the camel humps on the dog" says a disgruntled mother.

The city redneck had this to say "Well I gots my dog a set of dem der plastic tots n' now, Javis comes in real handy when I surfs the internet pornography."

Well there you have it folks, dogs, tits, beastiality and a whole lot of confusion.

Thanks for the question Ethan.

Tag! You're...Holy Shit!

Now I know I've been away from posting but I was too busy fighting the war on school uniforms. Which of course, I totally blame on the Middle East. (Damn you Iran and your imaginary WMDs!)

But back to the blood n' guts.

You know what would be fun? Extreme Tag. It's just like regular tag, BUT you play with Molotov Cocktails. Imagine throwing your projectile at a loved one and watching them burst into flames and shards of glass. Eyes balls dripping down their pant leg.......plastic tits blowing up in their face...... And then, if their head is still intact, they in return get to throw it back as well as using anything else ranging from grenades to explosive dildos!

We should have this activity for our next family reunion. Everyone is "it" except Sommer.

Good ol' fashion melt

Continuing from my last post, the midget will probably die somewhere up in the atmosphere. Now all I'm saying is, that if your traveling that fast and that high up, your skin is going to melt off. Which brings me to my point.

What to do with all that flesh and guts falling from the sky? Catch it in your mouth is what I say. Give it a good chew. You can make a game out of it. Whoever catchs and eats the bloodiest, most putrid body part in the alotted time wins. It'd be great for childrens parties all the way up there with "pin the tail in Oprah Winfrey's cum splooging asshole".

It'd be a great addition to Geno's Steaks menu: Turkey melt, Tuna melt, Organ melt. Have people stand in the middle of the street (pants is optional)  with open steak rolls waiting for the dropping of molten flesh and blood to fill their stomachs with zesty, scrumptious human being.

"mmmmmm bloody"

Nuclear funfare

The majority view of nuclear warfare is a negative one here in the US of A. But I believe, if we can work together, shift the paradigm of the people to a positive outlook. I mean it's so obvious! The answer has been under our noses for the longest time!

MIDGETS! 

The reason why the massive death of thousands is so sad is because we don't add enough pizzazz to it. Think of how happy and amused the people of Hiroshima would've been gazing at the little bastard tied to the end of a warhead right before they were sent to their doom. WHAT JOY!

I'm almost certain that everyone would get a kick out of a screaming midget hurtling towards you at breakneck speeds. Come to think about it, you may as well call it a sport. Extreme Midget Tossing I say. The best part is everyone wins. You get a good chuckle and the midget gets to travel the world.

What if the midget dies during the flight due to skin melting off and such? That just brings me to my next post.